That damned handbook
by Kyuubi's Angel of Darkness
Summary: The almighty book-sama has made it's move. Haruno Sakura, meet your match made in fanfiction heaven, Uchiha Itachi. With Inner Sakura around though, and Sakura's inability to obey book-sama, things will never be that simple. Crack, just pure crack.
1. Fanfiction Rule Number 762

**Yo. This popped into my head during my math test. Weird right? Anyways enjoy. I hope to inspire some giggles into all the little children. (Lyke my pedo-bear comment?!)**

**_Disclaimer: I may be to sexy for my shirt, but sadly I'm not sexy enough to takeover the world and declare that I do own Naruto. So it's not mine, for now._**

* * *

In the dimly lit Hokage's office, the Hokage herself leaned forward on her desk. The setting sun cast it's glowing rays into the room. They struck the face of the powerful woman in the chair, bathing her in beautiful oranges and yellows and giving her the appearence of a goddess who just took a bath in caramel and oranges.

"I have a mission for you." The Hokage said as she took a large swig of sake. The ANBU in front of her bowed deeply.

"Hai Hokage-sama?" The Hokage looked at the ANBU carefully, observing the lithe figure before her. She noticed the female ANBU probably needed a push-up bra just to give her that extra oomf and balance out her figure better. Oh well, at least the girl had that whole 'great ass' thing going for her. The ANBU, totally oblivious to her leader's thoughts, waited patiently for her orders.

"You are to capture Uchiha Itachi." The amber-eyed woman stated bluntly.

Awkward silence.

The ANBU tore off their mask as to better examine the Hokage. Wild emerald eyes stared at her incrediously.

"ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!" Haruno Sakura screamed.

"NO, WAIT YOU'RE DRUNK RIGHT?!" Tsunade snorted.

"You wish I was drunk." Sakura blinked.

"Wha?"

"Your mom." Tsunade fired back.

"This doesn't even make sense! Why do _I_ have to _capture_ him?!"

"We're just following protocol."

"Protocol?"

"Yes, protocol."

"What protocol?! How is there possibly a protocol for this?!" At this obviously stupid question, Tsunade pulled out a large dusty book with yellowing pages from her shirt. Sakura stared. A small choir sounded in the background as the Hokage placed the book on her desk.

"The protocol stated in the Fanfiction handbook of all cliché things. _Duh_. It says it right here. Fanfction cliché rule number 762, section B, co-section charlie, footnote cheese: _In an effort to create a somewhat plausible opportunity for romance between _Naruto Shippuden_ characters _Haruno Sakura_ and _Uchiha Itachi_, Sakura magically becomes powerful enough in a span of five years or so to supposedly be able to take on and capture said Uchiha prodigy who was in fact an ANBU captain at age thirteen._"

"Dammit, I hate it when people do that! How the hell does that even work?! He's Uchiha-freaking-Itachi! I stand no chance! The guy can _kill_ you with his _eyes_! He doesn't even have to use the damn Sharingan!"

"Gurl, you're just preachin' to the choir."

"Why can't someone who specializes in a skill that can parry against his genjutsu go? Like Kurenai! She's a genjutsu expert who actually stands a chance against his illusions."

"Kurenai's married why would we send her?"

"What does that have to do with _ANYTHING_?"

"Protocol Sakura, protocol. This is supposed to be for the romance."

"WHAT ROMANCE?! This manga has about every genre under the sun _EXCEPT_ for romance! Kishimoto is probably asexual!"

"SSSSHHHHH! We're not supposed to acknowledge we know about the manga! We 'technically' don't know it exists." Sakura slapped her forehead.

"Fine then. How exactly do you expect me to survive the Sharingan and all of it's techniques?" Tsunade rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

"Eh, well you repelled Ino out of your mind when you were lyke, twelve so this should be pretty much the same thing."

"HOW THE HELL IS THIS THE SAME THING?!"

"Just improvise! Kami do I have to think of _everything_?" Sakura groaned at the unfairness of the world. The Hokage clapped her hands, pleased that she won the argument. Not that she wouldn't have won, it's her village damn it. She wins whenever the hell she wants to win. If only that could apply to her gambling, then she would be unstoppable!

The Hokage chuckled darkly as she thought of fiery landscapes and piles of cash. She sat atop of a tall throne of sake bottles and cackled evily as her ninja slaves trembled under her might! The other Kages tried to stop her inevitable takeover of the world but our glamerous hokage was too much for them! Take that you stupid mizukage! Only the great beauty Tsunade could rule with an iron fist ad look damn good while doing it! The world would be hers! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Her evil thoughts were cut off as her student coughed politely.

Right, sending student on suicide mission now, world domination later.

Ahem.

"Okay, so you need to get out and get on with your mission. As the handbook states, Naruto and Kakashi are currently out of the country and cannot assist you but they will conveintly return just in time to hear of your inevitable capture."

"Hold up, you're seriously sending me on this mission even though you know I'm going to get captured?! What the hell!"

"GODDAMMIT SAKURA DOES THE WORD 'PROTOCOL' MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?"

"WHO THE HELL FOLLOWS THE DEMANDS OF A BOOK WITH THE WORD 'FICTION' IN IT'S TITLE?!"

"I DO! STOP CRITISIZING ME! GOSH YOU'RE JUST LIKE SHIZUNE! WHY CAN'T I CATCH A FUCKING BREAK?!"

"Alright, alright gosh. No need to go all bitchy on me."

"Bitchy has nothing on me. I'm the muthafuckin _queen_ of all things related to bitchy."

"Just drink your damn sake."

"I will. Now get out and go on your suicide mission."

"Fineeeee."

"Oh by the way, you can probably expect Sasuke to just randomly pop out of no where and start spouting out random shit. It'll probably be along the lines of how he's going to kill his brother, who is obviously much more powerful than him even though the man is literally falling apart because of sickness, and how Sasuke magically falls in love with you and suddenly becomes jealous of his brother for interacting with you. It's not even the fun kind of jealous. It's lyke, Sasuke finds out Itachi goes to the same McDonald's as you in the same week and suddenly you two are having a secret affair kind of jealous." Sakura stared at her master blankly.

"What the fuck? Who the hell wrote this damn handbook?!"

"The people Sakura, the people." The slug princess responded sagely. On that note, Sakura spun on her heel and went to embark on her journey to her doom.

"_Fuckin' hell, I'm on my own for this and I'm expected to magically counter Uchiha-freaking-Itachi's goddamn sharingan._" Our pink haired heroine thought bitterly.

_"_**_At least you have, meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_ **Inner Sakura screamed as she spontaneously came out of nowhere.

_**"**ZOMFG SAVE ME KAMI!**"**_

* * *

As the main character of our story ran through the tree-tops, she wondered how the hell she was actually supposed to _find_ the Uchiha. **  
**

"_Damn handbook. Give better instructions. Or a map."_

_"**Psh. Getting there is easy, we just keep running and eventually we just coincidently stumble upon him." **_

_"You read the book to?!"_

**_"Duh. I had to see who the possible candidates for our future husband were. There's no fucking way I'm letting us get stuck with some freak like Kabuto or Orochimaru, we'd get ditched for underage little boys and that's just insulting. How the hell do people even think of that?!"_**

**"**_I don't know! Anyways, if I want to actually survive this, I need a battle plan."_

_**"Omg I just thought of something!"**_

_**"**What?"_

_**"Dude, tampons are freaking shaped like sperm cells! Some sick bastard out there is playing a very sick joke on women!"**_

_**"**What the fuck does that have to do with our situation?!"_

_"**Absolutely nothing. Why do you ask?"** _In an attempt to control her anger, Sakura didn't pay attention to where she was going and ran into a tree.

"**_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG WE'RE SO DOOMED WHEN WE RUN INTO ITACHI! BAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

_"I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life."_

_"**YOU UNGRATEFUL PEASENT! AFTER ALL I, THE GREAT WIZARD, HAVE DONE FOR YOU, YE DARE SPEAKETH SUCH FOWL WORDS?!"**_

___"I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life."_

___"**THAT'S IT! I'M JOINING THE CIRCUS!"**_

* * *

After pointless hours wasted of running through the trees, Inner Sakura was proven right. The pink haired ANBU jumped down from the tree she was in and landed in a clearing to rest. Conveintly, it happened to be the very clearing a shirtless Uchiha Itachi was finishing getting dressed in after taking a bath.**  
**

**_"Coincides fucking rule."_** Was the comment from Inner Sakura as she flooded Sakura's mindscape with a lake of drool.

_"I hate this handbook." _

Itachi stared at the ANBU member with annoyance shimmering in his sexy eyes. The ANBU didn't even move. They just stood there and it was creepy. Didn't their mother teach them it was bad for their health to stare at S-class criminals?

"What do you want?" He drawled.

**_"Omigod, find a tape recorder now and record his voice."_**

_"Shut up you moron."_

**_"Are you insane?! If sex didn't sound like just grunts and moans, his voice would _be_ sex! Record his voice dammit!"_**

"Shut the hell up!" However, instead of screaming internally, poor Sakura screamed it out loud. The Uchiha raised a brow. Although he didn't show emotions, you didn't have to be Dr. Phil to figure out the guy was pissed. I mean who wouldn't be? This random ANBU just pops out of no where, stares at him like a creep, and proceeds to tell him to shut up. Konoha shinobi were just rude. This is exactly why he left.

_"We're so dead."_

**_"Hey as long as he talks again while killing us, I will die a very happy woman."_**

Itachi walked across the clearing with slow deliberate steps.

_"OMG WE HAVE TO MOVE!"_

**_"THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY WE'RE MOVING! I WANT TO SMELL THIS GUY! IF HE SMELLS AS GREAT AS HE LOOKS THEN WE ARE GOING TO DIE VEEERRRYYY HAPPY!"_**

_"ARE YOU INSANE!?"_

_**"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!"**_

Itachi glared at the ANBU as they refused to move from the spot they were standing, an obvious sign of offense. This low-life actually thought they could take him? Ridiculous. He would teach this over confident bastard to mess with him.

_"WE'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEEE! MOVE THIS BODY!" _Sakura sobbed.

**_"NEVERRRRRRRRRR!"_**

Itachi finally reached the ANBU and removed their mask. He was stuck looking at a pair of terrified green eyes and bright pink hair. His little brother's old teammate? What does she have to do with _anything_? Oh well, she had to be punished.

Sakura watched as Itachi's eyes began to shift and quickly did some math in her head.

_"Itachi=sharingan. Itachi+sharingan=Tsukiyomi. Tsukiyomi= 72 hours of mental torture. Tsukiyomi+Itachi= inside of her muthafucking mind. Inside of her muthafucking mind= Inner Sakura. Inner Sakura+ Itachi+ 72 hours= the square root of OMFG!"_

"OMIGOD DON'T DO IT!" She screamed in desperation.

**"_DOOOOOOO ITTTTTT!_" **Her Inner screamed. Totally not paying attention to Sakura's terror, Itachi used the Tsukiyomi anyway.

* * *

Itachi observed his surroundings carefully. Something seemed a bit off here. He noticed the bright sun that was literally grinning and wearing shades, along with the purple grass, green sky, blue ducks in the fields, the orange dragon sleeping in a sleeping bag, the frolicking unicorns, man-eating flowers, giant soda statues, yellow pterodactials, and most of all, the disturbing abundancy of clowns roaming around.

Yep, something was definatley not right.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MIND!?" Itachi turned and found one pink haired heroine screaming her head off. In an effort to teach the rude Konoha shinobi some manners, Itachi politely explained.

"I can assure you Haruno-san, this was not my doing. If it was, you would be losing copious amounts of blood right now and no one would actually be able to actually hear your screams." Sakura spun around as if noticing him for the first time.

That bitch, no one ignores Uchiha Itachi!

"Oh! Uchiha-san, I didn't realize you were here! Sorry, I wasn't yelling at you I was yelling at- wait, what did you just say?"

"Hn." Sakura stared awkwardly for a few moments before she remembered something. Her face went pale, much resembling Sai in a bakery covered in flour because some jack-ass forgot to put on the damn lid to the flour jar.

"U LEAVE NOW!" The Uchiha raised a brow at her wording.

"I promise you that we are not cavemen Haruno-san. Please refrain from acting like one."

"Pompous bastard, you know what? Fineeeeeeee. I tried to help Uchiha but you're a big meany head. So you're on your own. Good luck." With that she turned, pulled out a large gun, and began shooting down clowns left and right.

Damn make-up wearing, child-raping, balloon-tieing, Orochimaru-bffl, creepers.

Just as Itachi was about to ask what he could possibly need luck for, because he is the almighty Itachi, a pair of monochrome grey arms draped themselves around his neck and a voice that sounded disturbingly similar to Haruno's murmured in his ear.

"**_Hmmm. His voice sounds like sex, body looks like Adonis himself, and the guy DOES smell like every woman's wildest dream. Sakura honey, can we keep him? Just imagine what the actual sex would be like!" _**Sakura made a face.

"Omigod _that_ was your first impression? You're such a whore." The voice spoke again.

**_"Psh, call me whatever at least I can actually get some. Unlike certain pink haired spinsters."_**

"Bitch."

**_"I'm you so you just called yourself a bitch HA!"_**

"Then you just contradicted yourself and called yourself a spinster, moron."

**_"You're so mean Sakura-chan!"_** The voice whined. Leaning in towards Itachi she whispered in his ear again.

_**"Hello sexy, you can call me Inner. Or just scream out whatever you want later on, I'm not picky."**_

"You're awful."

_**"Jealous Sakura-chan?"**_

"I'm burning that damn handbook when we get back to Konoha."

**_"We still have three wonderful days ahead of us until that happens dear, not that you'll be able to defeat the almighty book-sama." _**

There were very few times when Itachi got confused.

This was not one of them.

However, he was damn near disturbed right about now. Neither of the female beings seemed to notice his disturbedness and the only thing heard was Sakura's gun that never seemed to run out of ammo. Well, that and the grotesque noises of what sounded like _Assasinate the Clowns Creed._

_"_Dammit Inner!_ Clowns? _Really?" Inner shrugged.

_**"Clowns are fun."**_

_"_WOO HO HO! Chuckles wants to get ya! Come play with Chuckles!"

_"_OMFG!"

* * *

Three figures sat on a large red couch that seemed to be in the middle of a large field. The two figures that resembled women sat close to each other while the man sat what he deemed a safe distance away.

"So..." The pink haired woman began awkwardly. The other two turned to look at her.

"Those lines on your face, are they lyke, sharpie prank gone wrong or something?" The was a moment of silence before Inner reached up and slapped the back of Sakura's head, sending her tumbling to the ground.

**_"You idiot we have a guest! Don't insult him!" _**Sakura stuck her tounge out but otherwise remained content with pouting. Inner on the other hand stood up and sauntered over to the overly sexy Uchiha. The black and white figure sprawled herself across his lap smiling in what she thought was the sexiest smile ever.

Sakura snorted in the background.

Itachi looked disturbed.

Inner grasped Itachi's large hand in hers and moved it towards her breast.

_**"So you're going blind huh? Don't worry my shirt is braile."**_ In the next instant Inner found herself flat on her ass and Sakura was laughing her ass off.

"I prefer women with bigger breasts." Itachi stated cooly. Inner shrieked with rage.

_**"DAMMIT SAKURA YOU FLAT-CHESTED BIMBO! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" **_

"Actually I think hers are bigger than yours." Itachi's sexy voice commented. Another howl of frustration was heard.

**_"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"_ **While Inner shrieked and threw a tantrum, Sakura regarded the missing-nin with awe.

"You just made _her_ insecure." She bowed. "Respect, Itachi-san."

"Hn."

* * *

"So, since were kinda stuck here for three days, and Uchiha-san's Tsukiyomi torture methods don't work, why don't we-"

_**"Have sex?! I love that idea! Itachi is mine first!"**_

"No you damn whore!"

**_"Honey I'm still you, so you're a whore too."_**

"I was going to say we should tell stories but I fucking give up!"

"I was not aware that grown women told stories while trapped in one of the deadliest jutsu known to all ninja Haruno-san. Are you five?" The pink haired woman snarled unattractivley, because really, there is no attractive way to snarl like a wild animal.

"Shut up Uchiha! What do you want to do, meditate? Fuck no! Are you some eighty-year old buddist geezer?"

_**"So this is a yes on the sex idea right?"**_

"No!" Itachi and Sakura yelled at once. Inner Sakura pouted.

**_"Honestly you two are sticks in the mud! I really tried to make this fun for all but I've decided to be selfish! MWAHAHA!" _**Sakura and Itachi stared at her quizically. Inner snapped her fingers and a door magically appeared. The door was slightly ajar, revealing the inside to be covered in roses and candles. The latter being quite a fire hazard. There was a large bed in the center. Inner snapped her fingers again and an Itachi doppleganger appeared, only he was, _SMILING?!_ Sakura gaped. Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously.

**_"If you need me, I'll be having fun with Itachi number two. So don't need me kay?" _**With that, Inner dragged the clone into the door and slammed it closed. It was silent for a few minutes.

"Your, alter ego, is quite..."

"Yeah I know." Full pink lips pouted. "Now what?"

"Hn." Translation: IDK

"One day someone is going to severly misinterpretate your 'hn' and you will get raped." Lord Sexy glared at the pink haired vixen.

"Sex?" She suggested. Itachi stared long and hard, weighing his options.

"I'm rather offended that it takes you this long to decide."

"Hn."

"Bastard-_oomf_!"

As the two unlikely lovers engaged in activities, like braile scrabble, Sakura had one last coherent thought.

_"THAT DAMN HANDBOOK ACTUALLY WORKED!"_

* * *

**Heh heh end. I may turn this into a crack story but you have to review to motivate me.**

**I was inspired by this cuz I kept seeing fanfics where people are like 'ya Sakura can totes go take on Itachi when shes only lyke 19.' I'm always thinking, really guys? Don't get me wrong, I love Sakura and she has the potential to be great, but really, Itachi? Come on. He _kills_ you, with his _eyes_. The sexy man is too much to handle.**

**Lolz anyways review if you love it! :)**


	2. Fanfiction Rule Number 365

**Good evening! **

**... That would probably be a much cooler introduction if you guys could hear the Dracula impression I'm doing...**

**Anyways heh heh look at Kyuu-chan, doing some updating on this site within three days! Huh, the world must be about to end. Welcome to chapter dos of _That Damned Handbook_! I hope you don't have anything important to remember because the goal today kiddies, is to efficiently destroy brain cells! I mean it's not like you _need_ them or anything... The school system has brain-washed you if you believe otherwise.**

**I hope you enjoy the bit of crack I'm about to force you to read! Keep in mind that these chapters are all completely unrelated.**

_**Disclaimer: I own Naruto. I own Naruto. I own Naruto. I own Naruto. I also own the recipe for Coke, a driver's licsense, and a pet tiger. I think we can all tell whether or not any of this is true.**_

* * *

Growing up, Haruno Sakura was a small town girl who used to have small, homely, dreams. She would dream of being married to Mr. Right, living comfortably in a cozy home with three or four kids, then die in her sleep at an old age, there might also be a couple cats thrown into the mix, as well as a unicorn. Nothing too unreasonable though.

Okay so maybe that hometown part was a bit of BS. Especially the small town part. She grew up in the city.

A really big city at that. Also her dreams were a bit eh- unique would be the polite word.

Honestly speaking, she never thought she would make it past the fourth grade when she bit some spoiled rich kid, nearly broke his arm, and got diagnosed as schizophrenic.

Yep Sakura had been pretty surprised she made it past that eventful year, especially since said spoiled rich kid had promised to sue her until she dropped dead.

She wouldn't lie, it had been a pretty impressive threat for a little fourth grader. However, it had nothing on the colorful words Inner had spewed after being called an "extreme case of a serious mental disorder" by the local psychiatrist.

Anyways, years passed and Sakura grew up, started dating, got dumped, hospitalized a few men, started dating again, was dumped again, took Inner's advice and joined a gang, nearly got killed by said gang, took Inner's advice again and joined another gang, nearly got killed again, wondered why she decided to listen to the advice of a mental disorder, made some friends, got drunk, got drunk a lot, did some drugs (because we all know everyone does them at least once), got a job, cured cancer, got fired from her job, started dating again, and got another job.

She also got engaged if we're trying to expand on her list of lifetime accomplishments.

Which brings us to the present time and situation at hand. Today, Sakura was getting married. To whom?

Why the little fourth grader whose arm she broke of course. Oh yeah, he was also the reason people found out she was schizo. Bastard.

However, that little fourth grader happened to be an Uchiha. Uchiha Sasuke to be precise.

Yeah, she didn't really get it either.

* * *

A pink haired woman hissed as a brush was brutally yanked through said pink hair.

"Kami Pig! Are you too stupid to realize how to brush hair correctly?" The blonde in question merely viciously tore her way through the long hair she was brushing, pulling clumps of the dead cells out as she went.

"Care to say that again Forehead-bitch?" she questioned frostily. Sakura growled and murmured something about jealous bitch pigs.

"It's not fairrrrrrrr!" Ino whined. "Why are _you_ marrying Sasuke-kun?!" Sakura raised a brow. Was that question supposed to be rhetorical or something? After her hair was put up into a beautifully complex style and make-up was smeared on her face- yes smeared, because Ino claimed her face was to ugly to do anything else with make-up. Sakura straightened her perfect white dress and stood up, ready to walk down the aisle and meet her groom.

Inside her mind, unseen by all except Sakura, Inner Sakura examined herself in front of a full length mirror. She whistled lowly as her grey colored eyes raked up and down her figure.

_**"Well, I dare say Mr. Boreguard, we certainly look fine on this lovely day!"** _Sakura raised a mental brow- did she even have those?- at her alternative self.

_"Who the hell is Mr. Boreguard?"_

_**"Wouldn't you like to know?" **_

_"Shut up."_

**_"Oh real mature Outer."_**

_"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." _

**_"Oh no you did not just pull a Rhett Butler on me!"_ **

_"And if I did?"_

Before the next remark was to come, Sakura was halted by running into a large door. Ino snorted at her pain while Inner laughed loudly.

"Careful not to ruin that face of yours Forehead."

"Shut up pig."

_**"Is that all you can say today?"**_

_"Stop trying to put me down! I'm getting married today!"_

**_"How many Life tiles do we get for that?"_**

_"One I think."_

_**"Seriously? We should get more. I'm giving us three."**_

_"Cheater." _Inner stuck her tongue out as she selected three Life tiles from the stack by the board game. Sakura shook her head, straightened her shoulders, and took her father's arm as the door swung open and the organ dude began to play the famous wedding march.

_**"... This song sucks." **_

_"Way to hate the classics Inner."_

**_"Dear, stupid, Sakura, the Bee Gee's are classic. This is shit."_**

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness..." Blah, blah, blabbady, blah. Sakura completely tuned the preacher out as she stared with adoring eyes at her husband-to-be. Sasuke looked slightly uncomfortable, she wondered about that for all of five seconds before she heard the preacher speak again.

"Does anyone have a reason that these two shouldn't wed? Speak now or forever hold your peace."

_**"Speaketh if ye dare peasents!"** _Inner bellowed. She was ignored. Sasuke cleared his throat and signaled to someone in the crowd. A very pretty foreign-looking woman stood up and made her way up to the altar. Sakura's heart stopped beating.

"Maria?" A voice called out. The exotic woman, Maria apparently, turned to look at the voice. Sakura's eyes followed to see Sasuke's older brother, Itachi, standing and looking pretty damn confused.

Sakura couldn't really blame the guy.

Nervous whispering broke out among the guests and Sasuke raised his hands for silence. He glanced at Sakura. Sakura didn't really know how her face looked at the moment but it must have been set in a pretty ferocious expression if Sasuke's sudden terrified expression was anything to go by.

"Sakura, Aniki." He began. "Maria and I have come to a decision. That decision is the reason we cannot let this wedding take place today." Itachi looked confused and a bit heartbroken. Sakura looked like rage incarnated.

_**"HE'S CHEATING ON US! THAT FUCKING NO GOOD, TWO-TIMING BASTARD IS CHEATING ON US WITH HIS OLDER BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND! LEMME OUTTA HERE! I'LL GIVE 'EM THE OLD ONE-TWO, LEMME AT HIM!"**_

Now that sounded like a damn good idea to Sakura. However Sasuke decided he wasn't done speaking.

"Sakura, Itachi," Here Sasuke drew in a deep breath. "We know you two love each other. Maria and I, we can't stand to be in the middle of that love."

_"Hold up, duck-fuck hair say what?" _

"Hah?" Sakura managed to intelligently choke out with her jaw on the floor. Itachi's jaw looked to be in the same condition as hers. Good she wasn't the only confused one here. Sasuke looked at her with understanding eyes. Understanding of what, she wasn't too sure.

"I know you two fell in love at that Christmas party years ago. Sakura, I really tried but I just couldn't make you love me like you do him."

_What._

"HE WASN'T EVEN AT THAT CHRISTMAS PARTY! I MET YOUR BROTHER TWO MONTHS AGO!" Itachi, who at this point was confused beyond all reason, nodded insistently at this. Sadly neither were paid any mind as the guests sympathetically nodded at the groom and girlfriend for the noble gesture they had made.

"WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THIS STUPID IDEA?!" Sasuke took a moment to pull a large dusty book from the depths of his shirt. Sakura shuddered at the eerily familiar scene. An angelic choir could be heard from somewhere nearby. The book itself looked as old as time and had a weird scribbled title on the front.

"BEHOLD! The Fanfiction Handbook of all Cliche Things!" Sasuke bellowed. The audience ooed and ahed.

_**"BOOK-SAMA?!"**_Sakura rubbed the bridge of her nose tiredly.

_"What?" _Inner didn't get a chance to answer as Sasuke had flipped through a few pages and cleared his throat.

"According to Fanfiction cliche rule number 365, section Wolfgang, co-section Alpha, paragraph thirty-seven and a fourth: Naruto Shippuden _characters _Haruno Sakura _and _Uchiha Itachi _meet at a Christmas party and fall in love instantly. They will end up married with about three or four kids. All the kids will look like Harry Potter._" Everyone was silent for a moment, the wedding guests contemplating the genius of the book and Sakura and Itachi trying to breathe correctly. Sasuke looked at the pink haired woman with loving eyes.

"I hope you understand Sakura, I did this for you." Sakura took a deep breath and was about to explode when she was cut off.

_**"MY TURN!"** _Sakura's body went limp for a moment and confusion swept through the crowd as the lights went dim and the dramatic beginning of _Thriller_ sounded from an unknown source. Suddenly Sakura jumped up, green eyes practically glowing, and started to moonwalk down the aisle after hitching her dress up. She neared the row of seats where Itachi stood, grabbed his tie, yanked him down eye-level, and planted an open-mouthed kiss right on his lips. When she came up for air, she licked her lips sensually and purred out.

_**"Damn, I sure know how to pick 'em."**_She then proceeded to moonwalk out of the church with a stunned Itachi, and an outraged Outer trapped in the back of their shared mind. Sasuke and the rest of the wedding guests glanced around knowingly at each other.

* * *

**And that ends chapter two! Hehe I didn't really plan for that last part but I figured I should let Inner have her fun. I hope you all lost multiple brian cells (yes that spelling mistake is intentional). Sorry if this chapter isn't as humorous as the last though. :P**

**Review to motivate me please!**


End file.
